♪Subtitles by♪ XQ2☻♥
ASTERIX & OBELIX IN BRITAIN (in her majesty's service)
I know we've been through hard times.
We've often believed in fortune, then had to unbelieve.
- Can you say that? - But today...
we're afloat, again.
And believe me, we'll re-make our fortunes!
Ship to starboard!
Board'em! Board'em!
What did I tell you?
This way, little lambs.
What the...
Man your posts!
Raise the sails! Get your oars out!
Hurry!
Too late.
Board'em?
Can anyone tell me what that was?
My friends, this majestic spectacle,
is the most powerful army that ever existed.
It carries Rome's name
to the limits of the known world.
At its head,
a man.
A supreme leader.
A warrior who conquered Helvetia,
routed the Germans, crushed the Gauls,
and is heading to conquer this island called Britannia.
Britain!
This conquest, my friends,
is not merely one more laurel in Caesar's crown.
This conquest
is the Roman people's gift to Britain's natives.
A people, wallowing in ignorance and barbarism
to whom we bring the benefits of Western civilisation.
Goodness gracious, jolly rum spectacle, wot?
It is, is it not, wot?
Britain is inhabited by a mysterious people
who have a notably strange custom which consists of
stopping everything at five in the afternoon.
Push! Push!
Hold on.
Why do they stop, O Caesar?
To drink hot Water.
Hot water?
It's their favourite beverage.
A cup of hot water?
Gladly. With a drop of milk, please.
We'll attack the Britons
every day at 5 o'clock precisely.
I swear, it'll be our quickest victory ever!
I say, we should sound the alarm, wot.
Wouldn't it be preferable to run, wot?
Of course. But a gentleman never runs, wot.
No, not there.
Not there either.
Perfect.
Clear this away, please.
And send for Sir Anticlimax*. (Jolitorax) - Yes, Your Majesty.
By his underhanded methods,
this Monsieur Caesar has annihilated three fourths of our army.
Behave, children.
But all remaining free men in the land
are now, here, to battle to the end.
All the same, Anticlimax, I wonder
if we can hold out forever against the Roman legions.
There is a village which managed such a feat, Majesty.
- Really? - Yes.
They say its inhabitants resist the Romans
thanks to a magic potion that makes them invincible.
If Your Majesty agrees,
I'll go, myself, to ask for help.
Jolly good idea, Anticlimax.
Where is this impressive village?
Well?
In Gaul, Your Majesty.
You want to seek aid from the Gauls?
I wonder if it mightn't be preferable
to let ourselves be invaded.
The Gauls, it is, then.
Jolly good luck, Anticlimax. And all that sort of thing.
Justforkix*... (Goudurix)
Time to get up.
- Should we start? - Start what?
- Bashing him around. - Obelix...
Our Chief Vitalstatistix entrusted his nephew Justforkix in our care.
To make a man out of him.
How can we do that without smacking him around a bit?
Obelix, those bygone methods aren't for us.
Patience, psychological pedagogy
and a gentle guiding hand, is how we encourage him.
The lad will blossom into a responsible man we can be proud of.
- So do we bash him or not? - No.
Justforkix, we wake up early in the country.
I'm from Lutetia, this is my bedtime.
So piss off, hicks, I won't move from this bed.
- Obelix... - I used psychological pedagogy.
I didn't bash him. I respected his wish not to move from the bed,
I made the bed move.
- Are you crazy? - It's not for our amusement.
It's for your own good. C'mon we got stuff to do.
First, I gotta get dressed and do my hair.
Justforkix, you've been in there for two hours!
Want me to use some more psychological pedagogy?
Come on.
Your hair's just like before.
No, before it wasn't done. Now, it's done in the "undone" do.
Takes a lotta work to achieve this result.
Ok, let's go to the forest.
Basic training exercise: how to properly thump Romans.
What?
- Violence is the recourse of the feeble. - What did you say?
- Sorry, Asterix. A moment of feebleness. - It's only human.
On the positive side, you haven't "undone" his do.
- You guys are sick in the head! - No.
Come on, follow us.
With a little luck, we'll run into a patrol.
Not too many Romans left, they're all in Britain,
but what are you gonna do?
Where'd he go?
No, I feel lucky to live in Lutetia.
But I needed a change of scenery so I came to the country.
I think it'll help my composing.
I'm a bard, you know.
Just looking at you... Pow! I get ideas! - Really?
♪ I'll build you a dolmen Where love will reign
♪ Where love is the law And you will be queen.
It's lovely!
Lovely because you inspired it.
Pardon the interruption, you're not here to play Romeo
but to become a man.
Look, hicks,
being a man doesn't necessarily mean being a thick-headed lout.
A man can be someone sensitive
who's not afraid to say "I love you",
who's not afraid to cry.
How true!
So, just blow off, hayseeds.
Let me.
I say, it would seem I'm at the right place.
You've had a long voyage, Briton.
Can we offer you something? A boar? A beer?
A cup of hot water, please.
Is that all?
With a drop of milk, would be perfect.
Asterix, Obelix,
may I present Anticlimax. He's just arrived from Britain
to solicit our help to resist the Roman invader.
Enchante. Shake me by the hand.
- Obelix! - Obelix, behave!
- He asked me to shake him. - He's a Briton. They don't talk like us.
- You OK? - Jolly good show, wot! What strength!
It's the magic potion, I presume, wot?
- Obelix fell in it as a baby. - Oh, tell me about it...
I say, with such strength,
we'll have no problem repulsing the Roman army, wot!
- Why do you say "what"? - Beg your pardon, wot?
I asked Panoramix to prepare some magic potion
for our friends the Britons.
That's a lot of potion.
That's why you and Obelix will escort him to his destination.
so it doesn't fall into the wrong hands.
Great! We're off to Britain.
They got brand new Romans. And to be honest,
I wouldn't mind being rid your nephew.
No Obelix, we're taking Justforkix.
No impossible! With Idefix, there won't be room!
This voyage is an excellent occasion to perfect his education.
No... Chief?...
He doesn't want to.
Says you're too little.
It's too far and there's no room.
He prefers to take that meathead...
Anyway, we'll be back soon.
We give them the barrel: thanks, bye, and that's it.
You won't miss much.
Yes, there'll be Romans. Lots of Romans.
But, you know,
Romans are like oysters, too many make you sick. Yes.
Be good.
Watch over the house.
I'm counting on you.
Sorry, but, I didn't join up for this.
To fight the enemy, to serve Rome, yes.
But, not arrest illegal aliens all day.
Caesar said: we must control migratory flow,
to ensure the empire's stability.
Oh, yeah? What does it mean to "control migratory flow"?
It means, uh...
Look, orders are orders. Don't argue, OK?
Caught red-handed!
What? Gauls on a beach is not illegal.
No, I smell clandestine aliens. Let's check their ID.
- Count me out. - Pardon? - I'm not having any of this.
To each his own sense of duty. I'll leave you to your conscience.
Hup, hup, hup! Roman legion, border control!
Show me your papyrus.
Ah, yeah.
- That's the old model. - Oh yeah?
You need the new hard copy engraved on marble. Unforgeable.
Too many fakes of this kind.
What's in the barrel?
You see, Justforkix, the problem with Romans is they're ovezealous.
Talking about me?
Here, Anticlimax, it's time you tested the potion.
- Hold it, what's that? Woah. - One second, you'll see.
My sense of duty may be lousy,
but not my instinct for self preservation. Hm?
- Well? - They still resist.
By Jupiter!
My sapience has its limits!
You mean your patience?
No, my sapience: wisdom. Don't you understand Latin?
Bring me something to write with, I'll ask the Senate for extra troops.
Ave, Caesar! A delegation of senators from Rome
requests an audience.
Incredible! I think of the Senate and the Senate comes to me.
I'm in good with the gods! Let them enter.
And prepare a little orgy. That ought to please them.
Ave, honourable members of the Senate.
- A great privilege... - Ave, Caesar, ave.
Senator Lucius Noseyus.
The Senate mandated us to do an audit your expenses.
A what?
An audit. It's Latin, it means...
No, look, I know!
I've seen your accounts. They're not clear.
Oh really?
For example...
an expense of 20,000 sesterces
for a voyage, Alexandria to Londinium by private galley.
Cleopatra came for the weekend.
Can't Cleopatra take a regular boat?
She is the Queen of Egypt.
If she's Queen of Egypt, why doesn't Egypt pay?
Right.
I'll examine all this, with my staff.
I hope no one will try to influence us.
The mere idea of it...
The Senators' orgy is ready, O Caesar. Shall I bring the girls, in?
What about our reinforcements, now?
Pardon, O Great Caesar, but I may have an idea.
I'm listening.
Let's use our secret funds to hire mercenaries to do our dirty work.
Let's imagine that such "secret funds" existed,
which barbarians are you thinking of?
The worst of all, Caesar.
The Normans.
A redoubtable people who live far to the North
where the snow never melts and night lasts six months.
These pitiless warriors
who drink from their enemies' skulls have one peculiarity:
they don't know fear!
Remind of your name, again?
Megambitius, O Noble Caesar, to honour and serve you.
Well, Megambitius,
I bid you find the Normans and hire them.
If you succeed in this mission,
your fortune is made.
OK, let's enjoy that orgy.
- Waste not, want not. - Me too?
No, you get a take-out bucket o' orgy for the road.
♪ Why did you quit me?
♪ Why did you abandon me?
♪ Why did you leave me?
Oh, I can understand why!
♪ Why is it all over?
♪ Why are you gone?
You're giving me a headache.
- I have a right to express myself. - Keep it up and I'll express a bashing!
Obelix, patience and psychology.
Justforkix, what do you want to be?
I want to be a bard.
But my old man wants me to be a druid.
Great idea being a Druid. Fascinating!
Hah, 60 years of studies before entering private practice. No thanks.
Hey, what do you call a handsome guy, in Britain?
A tourist!
It's not meant in a nasty way.
It's just that in Gaul we say you Britons are kind of...
I mean, you're not very...
What about you? How do you percieve us Gauls in Britain?
Well, we find you arrogant,
loudmouthed, lecherous,
cowardly, uncultivated...
and dirty.
♪ Why did you forsake me?
Stop. You'll never become a man by bleating like a sheep.
What do you mean by "become a man" exactly?
Become like you? Two guys living together with a little dog?
I'll kill him.
We promised the chief we'd bring him back safe and sound.
Calm down.
In Britain, men live together quite frequently.
Yeah? But that has nothing to do with...
I think there's a little misunderstanding.
Obelix and I don't live together, we share lodgings.
It's more like we're roommates.
It's like co-workers who have the same hours.
There's a practical aspect to it.
♪ I never would've gone
♪ I never would've left you
Bless you, Obelix.
It wasn't me.
Pardon.
Pardon for imposing myself on your embarcation, noble voyagers.
But I must reach Britain
and regular boat lines won't transport an illegal alienus like me.
I say, what an original fellow, eh wot?
Don't worry, when we land,
I'll be on my own way, I won't bother you.
You're no bother.
What do you plan to do in Britain, monsieur...?
Overspice. My name is Overspice.
I come from a very poor, faraway land in the Ganges Valley.
They say in Britain you can make a fortune, so I came to try my luck.
What's that?
A plant from my my land. It grows all over.
I feel less lonely with it.
So please don't toss me overboard.
I can't swim!
I'm hungry.
I'm hungry, too.
I believe we have a message.
Your Majesty, a message from Anticlimax.
What does he say?
"Your Majesty, I have the pleasure and honor of informing you
"that the barrel has arrived on British soil.
"Faithfully yours, Anticlimax."
Excellent news. Isn't it, my dears?
[♪ I Don't Want To Grow Up: Ramones]
♪ When I'm lyin' in my bed at night I don't wanna grow up
♪ Nothing ever seems to turn out right I don't wanna grow up
♪ How do you move in a world of fog that's always changing things
♪ Makes me wish that I could be a dog
♪ When I see the price that you pay I don't wanna grow up
Y'know, hiking's just not my kind of trip.
- If you wanna become a man... - It's OK, drop it.
I say, here's a calm and tranquil spot where we can refresh ourselves.
I hope they have boar.
[JOLLY BOAR INN]
Good evening.
For dinner?
Yes, rather. We'd like four boars if we may.
Certainly, sit over there.
'Evening.
That's their boar?!
Nothing jolly about it.
It's a British delicacy:
boiled boar with mint sauce.
It's delicious.
Why does it smell like fish?
Because we always boil it with cod liver.
Otherwise it would have no taste.
Poor beast.
Ave.
We're searching for some Gauls,
clandestinely arrived from the continent.
Ave. Last name, first name, occupation and place of residence.
Certainly.
We're British merchants on a business trip.
My name is Anticlimax, and this is Asterax.
Good eeevening.
Obelax...
- Good eveninnng. - No. "Good eeevening".
- Good eveninnng. - One second "Good eeevening".
No, "Good eeevening".
With a long "eee".
- Good eeevening. - Good. That's it.
And my nephew, Pain-in-the-ax,
who is mute, poor boy.
Soldiers, search the tavern!
Bon appetit, Britons.
I don't know how you can eat that stuff...
you Britons.
Nothing to report, sir!
Good evening, gentlemen.
Have a good journey.
By Toutatis!
In the name of Rome,
surrender, Gauls!
Bravo! We sure went unnoticed in there, eh?
It's not my fault!
Boar with cod liver is inhuman.
- I'm not responsible. - I concur, you are irresponsible.
You've never been and undoubtedly never will be.
You're just saying that to be nice.
You know what my problem is?
Even when you're around, I feel alone, intellectually alone.
I'm starved of intelligence with you.
And yet, we get along great.
No, I put up with you. It's not the same.
I'm worn out from supporting this a walking calamity, this scourge,
this natural catastrophe called Obelix.
And what do I get out of it, eh?
Nothing. I sacrifice myself for nothing.
The result is zero. So, you see, I've had enough.
And frankly, two guys living together with a little dog
isn't the sort of fate I'd envisaged for myself.
- Got a problem with Dogmatix? - Look, Obelix,...
It's time I met someone.
- Who? - I dunno!
But, sticking with you, it'll never happen.
What's with him?
He's gotta meet someone, but, he doesn't know who.
So, of course, he's annoyed.
Caesar was very clear on this point,
if you come and massacre this village of British resisters,
he'll cover you with gold.
Gold only brings luxury
and luxury enfeebles men's spirits.
Is that what you want, Roman? To make us feeble?
Far from it, Chief Olaf Timandahaf.
The only motivation for us to go there
is if we could be sure to find fear.
Fear?
All nations know fear. Even the weakest, but not us!
Not us!
Yet we've tried everything to penetrate the secret of fear.
We've done multiple experiments.
Well?
Still more pain than fear. Continue.
We tried to awaken it in our youngest infants...
...without success.
Fear refuses us.
By Odin, we want to know it!
We want it!
But why?
He asks why!
Because, everyone knows that fear gives you wings, Roman!
And my warriors and I dream of flying. Like birds.
Then you're in luck.
Britons are the most fearful people in the known world.
- Oh, yeah? - Yes, of course.
Every time you ask them a question, they answer:
"I'm afraid that..." or "I fear that..."
Then it's decided!
By Odin, we sail for Britain!
Messieurs...
welcome to Londinium.
♪ [Casanova - BB Brunes]
The Romans are looking for us.
It's best we travel light and hide the barrel.
- Good idea, but, where? - Think about it.
If you want to hide a tree, the best place is in a forest.
So if you want to hide a barrel the best place is?...
A forest?
A wha...?
Forest.
- A tavern. With other barrels. - Excellent!
I know just the place.
Cousin Anticlimax, I'm madly delighted to see you.
Me too, Relax. Wildly extatic. But, enough gushing.
We came in Her Majesty's service.
A moment to bid adieu to my wife and children
- and I'm yours. - That won't be necessary.
We only want to hide this barrel among yours.
Oh, I see. Nothing could be simpler.
We'll put it in the cellar. Follow me.
Beer, please.
It's crazy how much energy is in this town!
Pardon?
I was saying the energy here is insane.
Everything's moving, anything's possible.
Yeah, perhaps.
No, I assure you. I'm from Lutetia. In comparison Lutetia's dead.
It's a real museum of a city.
- You're from Lutetia? - Yeah.
Just, next-door. A mere two weeks' walk.
Say, you sure like your beer here!
- Next one's on me. - No, thanks...
I insist. I know what you're thinking.
"watch out, he's a Gaul, they're all philanderers."
I'll confide this to you, I'm not at all a philanderer.
I just happen to be a guy who loves his moments of life.
Moments of grace, moments of supended time.
Which we become aware of by sharing them.
I'm like this town; full of energy, full of life.
I want to live, to laugh, to cry.
Yes, you heard right: cry. 'Cause, I'm a man who cries.
I'm not ashamed to say I cry.
I cry very often. Over nothing.
You like men who cry?
Not really, no.
So, everything OK? The barrel's secure?
- What? - Froth...
So, what do we do until nightfall?
Well,
I suppose we could pay an impromptu visit to Ophelia.
- Who's Ophelia? - My fiancée.
You still have some...
Wow! They told me all British chicks were dogs,
but, I like this one, just fine!
Yes, she is lovely.
That black dress really suits her.
Anticlimax...
- What a jolly surprise. - I'm overwhelmed with joy.
But no effusiveness. I'm on a mission for the Queen.
Since I was passing through Londinium, I wanted you to meet...
Justforkix. Cool to know-ya.
- Okay you, calm down! - I just...
She's Anticlimax's fiancée. Show some respect.
- Pardon us, he's a bit young. - It's of no importance.
Asterix. Enchanté.
Pleasure to meet you.
A real pleasure.
- My companions are... - Gauls! It's easy to guess.
By the accent?
No, by the odor.
Mother and Father are away, but I insist you stay a while.
Miss Macintosh and I shall prepare a meal for you.
It's crazy how much energy is in this town!
Oh, really?
The kind of energy, where anything's possible.
You could meet fabulous people,
exchange ideas,
fall in love,
have brief, intense adventures.
You know, all that.
Oh, I'm told, you and your friend have a little dog.
You didn't bring it?
No.
What's all this?
Clandestine Gauls came ashore with a secret weapon in a barrel?!
Yes, Caesar. We gave orders to arrest and interrogate all Gaulish residents.
Including women and children.
We'll also burn down their houses.
- No. It's the barrel, we need to find. - Yes, but how?
Think about it.
If you want to hide a tree, the best place is in...?
A forest!
So, if you want to hide a barrel the best place is?...
A tavern!
Search every cellar of every tavern in Londinium
and confiscate every barrel! Snap to it!
What about the tree in the forest?
Find me that barrel!
Or I'll have you boiled and served to the lions with mint sauce!
Hmph!
I get the impression she doesn't likes me.
Who?
Miss Makishtock. She doesn't like me.
With her looks she shouldn't be so picky.
Curious, but it doesn't show much that you and Ophelia are fiances.
I'd say it doesn't show at all.
That's because we Britons are sticklers for propriety.
A gentleman
must never, under any circumstance, embarrass his fiancée
by being... how should I put it?
Too pushy.
One-on-one rendezvous must be rare and last for only an instant.
And when was your last one?
Last year.
Ah, how 'bout that!
I, rather, hesitated, when Ophelia invited us to stay,
but, I don't regret having had the audacity to accept.
Would you have the audacity to pass the salt, please?
Pardon.
You really want Miss Whatchamacallit to like you?
- Yes. - Give her a gift. It always pleases them.
Ah, good idea.
Oh, I know!
In the name of Rome, open up!
Search the tavern!
Legionaries!
The secret weapon is hidden in one of these barrels.
To uncover it, we must apply methodology and rigor.
You smash, you taste.
If you taste anything suspect, let us know.
If not, mark a cross on the barrel
and move on to the next. Is that clear?
On my command!
Action!
The rhododendrons have come on nicely this year.
Oh, really?
The begonias too, by the way.
But not the sunflowers.
I'm terribly distressed to hear it.
Must've taken ages to do all that.
The Macintoshes have been ceaselessly working
on this tapestry for five successive generations.
I see.
When it's totally finished,
it'll be the great pride of our family.
It's crazy how much energy is in this town! It's...
Pardon.
Pardon the interruption.
I came to tell you that the Romans have taken the barrel of magic potion!
If you want to find it,
they've marked "Relax" on it.
Ave, Claudius Lapsus, gimme a taste.
No, it's my barrel.
It's not just yours, it's everybody's.
Hey, you!
C'mere.
- Shall I knock him out? - Yes, discretely.
Obelix, discretely!
Yes, I understood.
OK. Very good.
Ahem!
That's my pal.
Allez, we have no time to lose.
I can drink this, I didn't fall into it when I was little.
Over here!
We'll take them all and sort them out, later.
Obelix, come help us.
Oh, this can't be!
I jusht tashted a lil' bit. Not mush.
As the great Caesar said,
we're here to promote the values of our immense civilisation.
But, we will not succeed
if the indigenous population perceive us as the enemy.
The Briton is proud. Let's treat him with courtesy,
and show him what a great peoople we are.
Here's just the occasion to put this into practise.
A jolly good day to you,
and all that sort of thing, British friends.
Voila. That's how it's done...
- ...by and large. - Who called me large?
Who called me large?
Who thinks I'm fat?
Obelix!
Goodness gracious!
An abandoned cart. What a godsend for a cart thief!
Bravo, Obelix! You really managed to slip by, unnoticed.
Run, Anticlimax!
Sorry, Asterix, but, a gentleman never runs.
Excuse me, you didn't see a...
- Oh, you're a Gaul! - Yes, but not from Lutetia.
- What're you doing in Londinium? - Looking for a barrel.
- You didn't happen to see... - I adore the Gauls!
You're so much more fun than Britons.
That's very kind of... Oh really?
Got a pigeon post address where I could reach you, later?
Woah!
It's one of the Gauls that Caesar's looking for.
Haul him away!
Sir Anticlimax! Something horrible has happened.
Calm down, Miss Macintosh, what is it?
It's horrible! Miss Ophelia has disappeared into thin air.
I see, but, calm down.
And worst of all, she left with Justforkix!
They wanted to have a promenade on the beach.
Obviously, I categorically refused.
But that scoundrel Justforkix
purloined a cart and...
and...
and they ran off together!
Very well. I shall deal with this.
- Which way did they go? - That way.
- Oh, I'm terrible at this. - No, no, you're doing great.
Why didn't you go with your friends to get the barrel of magic potion?
'Cause my magic potion is you.
How kind of you.
It's not kindness, it's the truth.
They can soak in magic potion, it won't give them true strength.
Really? What is true strength?
This...
That's not proper!
You Britons are so uptight. Girls in Lutetia aren't so hung up.
Really?
Sure! They know that kissing isn't a question of propriety.
It's just a question of desire and the right moment.
And that was the moment. But if you don't like it... - No!
Wait.
What? That's how we kiss in Gaul.
- Oh! - OK, no offence... Aahh!
- So, these are Britons? - Not very big, huh?
What are you doing, hiding behind me?
- That's very cowardly. - Don't give a damn!
We're looking for Caesar and his army. Know where we can find them?
I don't wanna die!
- Get a hold of yourself! - I can't, I'm afraid!
I say, you're the champion of fear!
Did you hear that, Half'nhaf?
Yes, Mooncaf*, catch him before he flies away.
I'll bring the chanpion to camp. Go to the nearest village,
ask them where to find Caesar then massacre everyone.
How will I find the village?
Ask the girl to take you.
- Then what do I do with her? - Massacre her too, meathead.
Oh yeah, right.
A jolly good day to you, foreign friend.
Wait. First, we must agree on the rules.
Rules? What rules?
All right, no rules.
Thank you.
It was nothing. Just a bit of exercise, which I needed, anyhow.
I understand you didn't go out alone.
Justforkix was kidnapped by the Normans! I'm very worried about him.
Rightly so, my dear.
By now, he must be toast.
- How frightful! - It is, isn't it?
Well then, I propose we go home.
Know that the insensitivity which you display
profoundly saddens me.
I too have reason for sadness.
But I do not give offence, by reproaching you.
So be it. I strayed, I acknowledge this.
But, how could I do otherwise?
You're more tedious than a winter's day
and more rigid than Miss Macintosh.
It took you six months to speak to me,
one year to ask for my hand,
since then, we've barely exchanged thirty words.
When might I hope to have from you, at least, your presence,
and --let's go crazy-- some human warmth?
On my death bed?
My conduct has been on all points that of a British gentleman, Ophelia.
If this does not suit you,
it's because we were not meant for each other.
What are you doing here?
I foolishly got caught during a cargo inspection.
They're waiting for the next caravan to deport me.
You...
Come with me.
Move it.
Pardon, monsieur,
might I have a little water for my plant?
It's thirsty.
Voila, not anymore.
- Why? - Why what?
Why are you always underfoot?
Look, Jules, in every tale there's a good guy and a bad guy.
- OK, so, you're the bad guy. - No, you're the bad guy.
These are the adventures of Asterix, not the adventures of Caesar.
The adventures of Asterix?!
Hang on. You know what this is? "The Gallic Wars."
Or, the adventures of Julius Caesar, by Julius Caesar, in six volumes.
That, little buddy, is History with a capital "H".
A bit of a megalomaniacal project, no?
I don't think you fully realise who it is you're looking at.
My time on earth will have such impact that in 2,000 years
people will say, "We're in the year 2000 after J.C."
- But, what have you done? - Moi?
Yes, you: you supercilious twit. What's your claim to glory?
I don't pretend to be a great man.
I just try to be a decent guy.
I get up in the mornig, in a good mood.
I go see my pals, we help each other out, we laugh, we argue...
And every Sunday, we eat a big wild boar together.
- So, you've given up on life. - Not at all! I haven't given up!
I point out that in my village, I'm very respected.
- In your village? - Yes.
Excuse me, but, that does nothing for me.
Listen, I have a proposal to make.
Come work for me.
Your mind allied to my power...
We would bring the house down.
Why would I do that?
Because I'm your father.
No...
You believed it! Yes, yes, yes.
For an instant, you fell for it!
No, I tell you.
Whatever!
You're fighting the wrong battle, Asterix.
Defending the oppressed is mere sentimentalism.
It flatters the ego, but serves no purpose.
As soon as you save them, another is ready to massacre them.
No, no, no, no.
You must be realistic and lucid. It's pointless.
Besides, you must admit these Britons are a funny lot.
They're playing nice, now, because they need help.
But at the first chance, I bet they're ready declare war on you.
And for 100 years, to boot!
Listen to me.
You tell me where the barrel is, I finish invading them,
and we eradicate their civilisation.
No more hot water, no more boiled meat.
And we make them talk normally.
Don't you think that's a fitting service to humanity?
Yes.
And yet, no.
Take him away.
Take him away. Torture him, make him talk! Enough! He wears me out.
- He's awake! - The champion's awake!
The champion! The champion!
Chief, it's the champion.
Frighten us.
- Pardon? - FRIGHTEN US!
We came very far to know fear. I demand you teach us what it is.
Fear? Fear is...
I don't know...
You tremble, you sweat, your teeth chatter,
sometimes your stomach aches...
It's the grippe! Fear is the flu!
How do you catch it?
I kissed my cousin Epitaf* and I caught it.
For the last time, Norman, I ask you...
Where did they take Justforkix?
Oh, my dear Ophelia, that isn't proper behaviour.
Monsieur Mooncaf*, even though your presence here was not,
properly speaking, your choice,
we shall do everything to make your stay agreeable.
Do not hesitate to ask us, if you need anything whatsoever.
You-want-me-give-something-you?
Drink!
I'm afraid I didn't hear correctly.
Wanna drink! Gimme a drink!
So many mistakes in so few words!
Firstly, one does not "want" something,
one "hopes".
Or at worst, one "wishes".
Secondly, moving on,
we Britons are sticklers for formal forms of address.
Thirdly and last,
it is customary, when expressing a request,
to liven it up with a polite phrase.
I'm thirsty!
In this one, exceptional, case
I shall demonstrate flexibility
and accede to your request.
It's hot!
By Odin, you wanna poison me, witch?!
You, you (...) Untie me!
(...) Untie me! (...)
(...) By Odin, untie me! (...)
My dear Ophelia,
I believe M. Mooncaf* would greatly benefit
from a crash course in social skills.
In the case of several gentlemen being seated
and a lady enters the room,
the gentlemen must immediately rise to their feet
and wait until the lady authorises them to sit.
Either verbally or with a gentle nod of the head.
Like this.
And, if the lady desires to sit,
one of the gentlemen, the first one to her left
must stand behind her chair...
So, Gaul, where's the barrel?
You enjoy being a torturer?
I mean, is it a career you'd recommend
to young people starting out in life?
I assure you, I'm very interested. One rarely gets to meet toturers in life.
And when you meet one the first time, it's usually the last.
Where's the barrel?
Was it a calling in your case?
I mean, a passion that turned into a profession?
Or did a career counsellor orient you along this path?
Obviously not a dead-end, since you do it so well.
But, then, I figure,
if you didn't choose it, you should stop, now.
All right, enough! I'll talk.
I feel quite chatty, now.
I'm listening.
What if we stopped all this? If we put an end to it, huh? You amd me.
Why not a bond of love? A bond of fraternity?
Too bad for you, Gaul.
Yes?
Who is it?
A jolly good day.
By Toutatis, Obelix, I thought you'd never get here!
Get me out of here, things are starting to really heat up.
Go on, what're you waiting for?
I'm thinking about what you said. Every man for himself...
Obelix.
Maybe you're right we should put some distance between us.
Obelix, this isn't funny, at all.
You're right. It's cruel of me to bore you with ancient history.
Come, Overspice, we'll let Asterix live his own life.
- Obelix! - Yes? - You want an apology?
I will apologize, but not now, not like this.
- Why not? - It'd be worthless, under duress.
I'd continue to resent you, it'd be worse.
So, get me out and I'll apologize of my own free will.
It's crazy!
Here, even their levers turn the wrong way!
So, your apology to me?
Goodbye, Overspice. Sorry about your plant.
I kept the leaves. I'm sure they'll continue bringing me good luck.
Goodbye. And thanks again. Bye.
What happened to the barrel, Asterix?
It's disappeared.
I think it would be wiser to split up.
I'll look for the barrel. You look for Justforkix.
Justforkix? Why Justforkix?
Boo!
You refuse to reveal your secret, eh, Gaul?
I want to, I swear...
We could cut him open and look in his entrails for his fear.
Yeah. Cut him open.
Cut him open! Cut him open!
Enough fun and games. When he wakes up take him to the cliff.
He's gonna give us a little flight demonstration.
Perfect. Oh...
A drop of milk in your hot water, Mr. Mooncaf*?
Just a spot, thank you.
As you'll notice, Miss Macintosh
has transformed Mr. Mooncaf* into a perfect gentleman.
Unfortunately,
he still refuses to say where Justforkix was taken.
Believe me when I say I'm sorry,
but a gentleman could never betray his companions-in-arms, don't you know?
I have an idea.
We let him escape and he'll lead us to his people.
Miss Macintosh,
would you come to the kitchen with me for a second?
Say, Obelix,
didn't we plan to go to the forest to hunt boar?
- No, Why? - Yes, I said to you,
"Let's go in the forest and hunt boar."
Oh yes, of course! "Let's go to the forest"!
Voila.
Yes, let's go in the forest to get some boars!
Voila, my exact phrase.
So, shall we go?
Where?
What? I know it's just pretend.
What do you want?
Pardon me for disturbing you, but is that your cart?
Why does that interest you?
It happened to contain some barrels which were stolen from me.
- And? - And I believe you are not uninvolved in their disappearance.
Are you insinuating that I look like a thief?
Well...
Yes.
Are we going to the forest?
Right, let me handle this.
Oh, stay seated, Mr. Mooncaf*.
I simply wished to know if you intended to stay for supper.
Because, in that case,
I should anticipate purchasing supplementary provisions.
Believe me I would be delighted, madam.
Unfortunately, a previous engagement prevents me.
Beats me how you did that!
It's quite simple. I led him to understand that he was not expected for supper
and as a perfect gentleman, he did not wish to abuse my hospitality
and preferred to take his leave.
- That's all. - So simple!
A jolly good day to you.
Likewise.
Oh no...
No!
No! I'll do anything you want!
I'll learn Norman, I'll eat seal meat!
I'll dye my hair blond! Don't throw me off!
Have pity!
- What's "pity"? - Another of their inventions.
OK! You fly down there, make a turn, then land over there.
Never mind the flight-schedule.
It's self-explanatory.
Ok, go!
No!
Look!
It's Mooncaf*!
A jolly good day to you, Chief.
I'd hoped this modest bouquet would touch your heart.
At any rate,
I gathered it with all my heart.
I have better things to do than taste local produce.
We're not here as tourists.
Where were you?
A guest of some proper gentlefolk
whose hospitality was, on all points, irreproachable.
But never mind, where I was,
I'm indescribably happy to have found you all again.
Er, you're right, no melodrama.
Okay, let's go...
- He's been bewitched. - Bewitched!
Pardon me, you're off the mark. I wasn't bewitched,
I was educated.
- Educated? - Exactly. Educated.
- By who? - By her.
She's gonna educate us all, like Mooncaf*!
Hey!
Hey, you!
C'mere so I can correct you!
What's happening to us?
- My body's trembling! - I'm sweating!
My stomach hurts!
That means we're afraid!
Follow me!
Now that we've mastered fear, we'll fly home.
Hey! ... Hey, you!
♪ I see trees of green,
♪ red roses too
♪ I see them bloom,
♪ for me and you,
♪ And I think to myself,
♪ What a wonderful world.
♪ I see skies of blue
♪ and clouds of white,
♪ The bright sunny days,
♪ the dark sacred night,
♪ And I think to myself,
♪ what a wonderful world.
Get back here!
You cretin, boor, moron!
You and your kind
are a bunch of retarded beasts!
Savages, vandals, pigs! What am I saying?
Bacon on legs with cheese curds for brains!
And all that sort of thing.
I'm so hungry, I could eat my own stomach.
How would you digest it?
A new message from Anticlimax, Majesty.
May the Gods be praised! I hope he's announcing his arrival.
"I hope Her Majesty is doing well and in good health.
"The weather here is clement with occasional showers,
"but not too severe.
"Your devoted servant, Anticlimax."
Send a message to Anticlimax.
I want to know where that barrel is.
Ayi!
- I agree. - Ayi!
- Monsieur Obelix... - Yes?
Would you have the good grace to forget
all you saw and heard earlier on the cliff?
Sure.
You can count on me, I'll be as mute as a dolmen.
Thank you so much, Monsieur Obelix.
In the end, it would seem, you are a gentleman, after all.
No, that's not enough, I need at least four!
One, two, three and four!
Message: the 8th Legion, arrives in six days. - No, too long!
Tell them to pick up their pace.
Caesar, the men are exhausted they haven't slept under a roof in weeks.
So what? We're conducting a campaign. Camping's fun, no?
A message from Langelus. He suggests fortification.
No, no, no time! Patch him over to me!
Hello, Langelus? ... Langelus?
Hello! 'llo,
Langelus? Lang...
It doesn't work. Hello...
It doesn't work!
♪ So she said what's the problem baby,
♪ What's the problem I don't know, Well maybe I'm in love,
♪ Think about it every time, I think about it,
♪ Can't stop thinking about it.
♪ How much longer will it take to cure this,
♪ Just to cure it 'cause I can't ignore it if it's love,
Aaahh!
♪ Makes me wanna turn around and face me,
♪ But I don't know nothing 'bout love.
♪ Come on, come on, turn a little faster,
♪ Come on, come on, the world will follow after,
♪ Come on come on, because everybody's after love.
I'll never understand women.
When I look for them, I don't find any.
If I look too hard I don't find any, either.
So you gotta look for them without looking
while pretending not to look.
Oh, oh, la-la....
So? What do you say?
- I think women... - No, shut up.
That's better.
Well?
I don't have the barrel, but, I know where to find it.
It was sold to an innkeeper who re-sold it to a trainer
- of the Camulodunum team. - What sort of team?
Oh, it's a typically British game
where two teams of 15 players fight over a gourd.
Sounds like fun.
Today there's match between Camulodunum and Durovernum.
The barrel must certainly be there.
I'll get Obelix and we're off.
I have the honor of challenging you to a duel.
I don't think you realize what I've just been through.
It's very kind of you but...
Pick up that sword and fight, coward!
Ayi! Are you nuts? That really hurt!
What's going on?
Sorry, but, this is a private matter.
Leave them. Anticimax is doing psychological pedagogy.
- What if the worst happens? - We'll figure out some explanation.
Well, huh?
We can explain it.
Your cowardice knows no limit!
Cowardice? On the contrary!
Please, don't tell me you're cleansing your honour!
I believe it's, rather, your jealousy you wish to alleviate.
I think she has a point.
I see you are prompt as ever to take me to task.
And still you persist in equivocating.
- What do you mean? - It's pretty clear to me.
You really are too stupid.
So be it, kill him. And shame on you.
But if you do,
know that in my eyes you'll have lost all credit.
True courage is not killing a young imbecile in a duel.
But, to dare look a woman in the eye
and tell her what one feels for her.
Women, women, women...
Frail and disappointing creatures.
I think she's right, it's important to express your feelings.
Really?
Yeah. If you love her, you gotta tell her.
You gotta stand naked before her, old pal.
Ophelia?
I wanted to talk about my feelings.
Miss Macintosh.
Jolly nice day, eh what?
I feel completely empty.
No more energy.
It's not the first time I've stumbled on obstacle,
but usually, my desire to conquer overcomes it.
I don't know why, now,... no juice.
Let's talk about this desire to conquer.
What does it evoke?
Power and glory, I won't lie to you.
Power?
Dominating others. Subjugating them.
And make them indebted. I really like it when they owe me.
I get great pleasure from granting pardons, for example.
When a man's condemned to death and his execution is all ready to go,
I show up at the last moment and pardon him.
I like that. I like it a lot.
It's very pleasant.
- What are the rules? - It's very simple.
Each team must carry the gourd over the opposing team's goal line.
They're can do practically anything to get it there,
only the use of weapons is forbidden.
Unless, by previous agreement, of course.
It's too big, we can't do it that way.
We must put a man at every exit and get reinforcements.
Look, I get to decide.
OK, this place is too big. We risk blowing it.
You, you and you, watch the other exits.
And you, go get reinforcements.
Excellent idea!
Look! What's he doing?
Off the field!
He's no gentleman.
Aha! That's our barrel.
Yeah!
That's either the magic potion or some very good wine.
I know we've seen hard times.
But this time,
- unless the sky falls on our heads... - What's that noise?
- What? - I said, what's that whistling?
Oh no...
I'm tired. So tired.
Pardon. This barrel belongs to us, we'd like it back.
In the name of Rome! I requisition that barrel!
Obelix, get the barrel and let's split.
- It's my barrel. - No.
Let go!
Follow me.
Halt!
In the name of Rome, halt!
- Pass me the gourd. - No, I wanna score.
Pass me the gourd, Obelix!
What the...?
To the river!
Forward!
We're catching up, quick!
That's not good.
Overspice?
- What're you doing here? - The Romans recaptured me.
They said either you join up or you go back home. So...
Take that off and come with us.
So much for this. Now what?
We have no choice but to return to the village break the bad news.
Let's not lose any time.
Not me.
What do you mean "not me"?
I promised Miss Macintosh
I'd return at 5 for a hot water party
She wants me to meet her friends.
- Is this a joke? - No, I made a commitment,
and a gentleman never breaks his commitments.
That's enough, Obelix! You and I are on a mission.
That's your commitment! Not to play the clown in a salon!
Asterix I don't think you're qualified to understand
the sentiments which bind me to Miss Macintosh.
Ah, OK!
Monsieur has sentiments now, eh?
Monsieur has become a true gentleman?
You know what I think of your excuse? - Mhm.
It's ridiculous.
Ridiculous and grotesque.
Very well.
Obelix!
Don't worry, I'll bring him back.
Obelix... Stop, Obelix!
Obelix stop this, please, huh?
No, I won't.
But, she's a pain in the neck and homely, to boot!
I think he's really angry.
Man, they all look so miserable!
I say, it would seem the siege has been gruelling, eh what?
We can't tell them we have no magic potion.
- Calm down, Justforkix. - "Calm down", that's a laugh.
They'll either commit suicide or lynch us.
Messieurs, I'm happy to have you finally amongst us.
And I'm eager to see the effects
of this famous magic potion.
Well, as far as the magic potion is concerned, Your Majesty,
we'd brought back a large quantity in a barrel...
which is currently...
at the bottom of the Thames.
Oh!
But it doesn't matter, Your Majesty.
- Oh really? - Oh really?! - Oh really?!
I have with me sufficient ingredients
to make potion for the entire village.
What jolly good news! You almost had me worried.
If Your Majesty will have prepared for me a large cauldron of hot water
I'll be waiting outside.
I admit I do not understand.
We have no choice but to bluff.
- Overspice. - Yes.
How much of your oriental plant do you have left?
- This much. - I'll need it.
It's all I have left.
I know.
Now, then...
you have exceptional strength,
Monsieur Obelix.
I try to keep in shape, nothing more.
Do you play a sport?
Our boys start sports very young. It fortifies them, a lot.
Oh, and above all, it gives them a sense of camaraderie.
Personally, I think that friendship
is by far the most important bond between two people.
What do you think, Monsieur Obelix?
Our friend wishes to know
whether you think friendship
is the most important bond between two people?
No?
Asterix...
Once again,
Roman discipline triumphs over barbarian disorder.
The commando squad of Gaulish fanatics,
who deviously tried to rally the British rebels,
has been wiped out.
And their so-called secret weapon destroyed!
The time has come
to put an end to this terrorist village.
It's ready.
It's much simpler than I thought.
Messieurs, it's all yours.
Mm, excellent!
Mm, yes, very invigorating. I feel, it's already having an effect.
May I have a drop of milk with my potion?
Attack formation.
ATTACK FORMATION!
FORWARD... MARCH!
LEGION... HALT!
Ave, ave, Roman.
In the interest of 'fair-play' as our friends, the Britons, say,
I came to say, we have the magic potion,
there's still time for you to surrender.
I recognize him! He's one of the indomitable Gauls.
Yup,... 'fraid so.
What are they doing?
What are they doing?!
FORM RANKS! FORM RANKS!
- Caesar said they were dead! - No, he's quite alive.
- His fat friend can't be far. - Shh, he's sensitive about his weight.
If they gave the potion to the Britons, our goose is cooked.
I think they're done. Everybody, ready?
I say, your friend doesn't look well.
Pardon me.
Be right back.
Got a problem, Justforkix?
I was just thinking, maybe I'll wait for you here.
Justforkix...
- We'll get massacred! - Listen up!
What we gave them isn't magic potion,
it's called hope, and that's all they have left.
If you waver, so will they, then we're screwed.
You wanna be responsible for that?
Justforkix, this is the time to become a man.
Afterwards, it'll be too late.
AAAHHH...
Maintain formation!
They're gonna massacre us!
No-no-no!
Re-form your ranks!
They have no magic powers. It was a bluff.
They have no magic powers!
RE-FORM RANKS! ATTACK!
They were bluffing!
Back in formation!
What is that?
What the...?
Obelix?
- Obelix! - Wait. Wait...
First of all I must tell you that, in no case do you have the right to decide
what's good for me.
I want that to be clear, once and for all.
When you said, the other day,
that I was a burden, that you sacrificed yourself for me.
No, Obelix...
I've thought about it, and in fact it's not a sacrifice.
A sacrifice is when it's pointless.
But what you do isn't pointless.
Because, in the end, do you know what you have?
You have a friend.
Obelix, I...
I'm really ashamed of what happened.
No...
Nothing happened.
I'm terribly sorry to interrupt you,
but, what should we do about them?
No-no-no. No-no-no.
No-no. No. No.
No. No-no-no.
NO!
Obelix!
Coming!
Well, that was a fiasco. Let's pack up and go home.
My dear Gauls, all Britain is grateful to you.
That's so cool. Thanks.
Thank you, Your Majesty. I just wanna say,
it's to your own courage that you owe your victory.
It wasn't real magic potion.
I'd figured it out.
Nevertheless, I, myself, tasted this beverage
and found it excellent. What plant do you use?
Majesty, it's a very common plant from my country.
We call it "tea".
Well then, I declare that, as of today,
tea shall be our national beverage.
M. Overspice, I'd like to place an order for
4,000 tons of tea.
Thank you.
And you, Sir Anticlimax,
for your courage, for your valour,
and especialtly for being able, in all circumstances,
to promote the values of our great land,
I have the honor of elevating you to the rank of,
Peer of the Realm.
Thank you, Your Majesty.
but, I would like, in turn,
to pay homage to she, who inspired me
all along in this adventure.
She, whose qualities are as numerous as they are exceptional
have always aroused in me, admiration
and respect.
She, whose beauty radiates with such brilliance
that she could, by herself,
stand as a beacon to all ships lost in the fog.
She, whose shapeliness,
hold a promise of voluptuousness,
whose sensual mouth
calls for the most burning kisses.
She, who is my joy, my folly, my giddiness.
Ophelia, my beloved,
I've waited far too long to say this,
I love you. And nothing would make me happier...
Oh, shut up and kiss me!
Oh, I'm in for it.
Monsieur Obelix!
Yes?
In the event that a gentleman abandons a lady,
right in the middle of a social event,
inflicting upon the lady the humiliating mockery of all her friends,
the affront is such, that he cannot long be considered a veritable gentleman.
Unless, of course,
if the security of Her Majesty's realm is at stake.
In that case, and uniquely in that case,
he can, by way of exception, be excused.
Thank you.
But...
I think that at bottom, I remain very Gaulish.
And I, very British.
The hour has, thus, arrived for us to say adieu, Obelix.
And as a souvenir of all we both have shared,
I shall supersede
the principles of my education
to let myself go, and...
and shake your hand.
I dont't know how to explain it, but, it's...
In any case, now that I've done it, I'll never be the same.
You'll see, Asterix, one day you too will know love.
No, look, I've got plenty of contacts.
I'm happy.
It's extraordinary!
Pfff...
It's crazy how much energy there is, here, don't you think?
Pardon?
I said, the energy around here is insane.
Pardon me, O Caesar,
but for the end of the chapter on the British campaign...
what'll I write?
After several weeks of siege,
the Queen of the Britons and her warriors surrendered to Caesar,
who, magnanimously, spared their lives
and sailed towards more conquests.
- But... - What? Got a problem?
No, no.
"The Adventures of Asterix"!
Whatever!
♪Subtitles by♪ XQ2☻♥